.cuts.bleed.lie.

Aku tinggalkan Intergumentry System kejap.

This is a simple story.

About a broken trust. Two years ago.
Ada sumone yg aku knl. Yang always feel kosong and dia sendiri pun taktau knp dia rasa kosong.
She never trusts anyone and she never let herself to trust.
She somehow afraid to cry sbb, no matter how deep life cut her, she was simply not a kinda girl who would cry.

Reason?
Don’t ask this girl, sebab dia pun tak tahu knp she act dat way.
The most stupid thing this ’someone’ did was, she cut herself.
She replaced the tears she couldn’t drain with the pain she gained.

It was hell stupid! She knew that.

There were options! She knew that.

People who loved her would be disappointed! She knew that.

And no matter what she did to stop the habit, she would still entangle with it! She knew that.

Until one day, when somehow, this someone I know cut herself again and bleeds...
Someone else was there with a plaster. Sit there with her silently.
Without words!

For the very first time, she learned to trust!
Whenever the tears fall, she knew she got someone.
Whenever she couldn’t conquer the pain, she knew she got someone.
Whenever she felt happy and contented, she knew she got someone.
Whenever she bled, she knew she got someone.

But guess what, it was faked!
She cried so hard. She knew she was a fool.
If she knew this thing would end this way, JUST if…
TRUST betrayed her.


“IF U’R BEING HONEST, IT CUTS ME DEEP.
BUT IF U’R PRETENDING, IT CUTS ME DEEPER”


Conclusion cerita aku is:
The broken trust two years ago made a LIAR out of her!

It just a story anyway. No big deal.

studySTORIES

ntah kenapa..
memories keep on rewinding lately cam video player rosak!

Story 1

ni time kat MRSM dlu.
aku mmg mls gile nk study.tengok rev books pun aku menyampah.
nak termuntah sume ada..literally la.
n there was someone.a friend of mine.
die akan tulis banyak "phrases merepek" kat atas kertas2 kecik n then die akan selitkan notes2 tu randomly kat pages rev book ak.
the rule is, selagi ak tak smpai that certain pages,i was not allowed ntuk baca apa yg die tulis kat notes tuh.
maka..ak pun sungguh2 la baca so that aku bleh tahu pe yg die tulis.
notes yg simply tertulis
"mimi,kita kwn smpai mati"(siap lukis gmbr kubur)
"mimi..hidup ntk diri ko sendiri"
"mimi, aku syg ko.friends forever"
ni la phrases yg buat aku keep on staying all nite n study.
saat nih, aku sgt berharap ada someone yg boleh selitkan notes mcm tu dlm pages rev book 'Anatomy&Physiology' aku.

Story 2

ni lak kat matrik.
zmn2 penting aku btukar jadik vampire.
bila study week je,mlm jadik siang,siang jadik mlm.
ada dua org kwn ak neh.
tetiap mlm lepak bilik aku for study.
Nescafe ngan maggi tak pyh ckp la.
tu r mknan kitorang sampai pagi.
aku still ingat the time aku share maggi ngn kwn aku.
siap mata bertentang mata.nsib baik tak tersembur maggi yg bergulung-gulung tu kuar dri mulut aku.
yang sorang lagi,penat study je,dia stop pastu mnari sensorang.lagi la tah pape..
we act like a fool.
tapi dats the thing yg buat aku stay 'high' and awake.
lpas azan subuh..
lepas solat..
we would buat morning walk.
jln2 mrayau2 around matrik cam org gle.baring tengah dataran.sampai kene halau ngan guards.
pastu,pegi sarapan.padahal pakcik kantin baru nak pakai songkok nk smayang subuh.
bila mtahari kuar..
masing2 balik bilik,tarik selimut,tido...

rite now...
aku study takde sapa nak teman.
lappy,FB ngan mp3 je yg ada.
miss u guys.
sob2~

ampaian besi dua tahun lalu.

Seblum nih ak da post bende alah ni kat FB.

Still, hr nih teringat lagi.zmn dlu2…time kat MRSM dlu.it was two years ago i guess.

Malam-malam, midnite especially, aku ska lpak atas ampaian besi kat blok aku. few metres away dri ground.jatuh, kalo tak pth kaki tangan, silap haribulan, hilang nyawa!

kaki terjuntai …the only thing yg support your feet was just the wind.

I learned this from someone. Sadly, org tuh buat skali je aktiviti neh. Aku plak yg brani buat berkali2. Hee..

Skali pandang memang org ckp:

“nk mati btul budak nih”

But that was how aku lari dri all probs ak. Not running away maybe, avoid kejap je…

Lpak atas tu. ngadap langit, sketching bende mrepek-repek. Listened to ‘headbanging’ songs...LP, Avenged, Good Charlotte, Muse, S.O.A.D, Jumpsuit Apparatus, Skillet, Breaking Benjamin, Bullet For My Valentine, MCR…

Takkan head-banging lgu Siti Nurhaliza lak.

Buat mcm tu…ak rasa free. Somehow, ni mmg tabiat ak yg paling kritikal time tu…

Boring ngan sketching, aku buat carving lak. Aku lukis atas double-layered board, pastu aku carved pkai penknife. Mana ntah aku campak penknife aku tuh skang…bnyk carved board ak da bagi kat org n yg len ak dah tak ingt kat sapa…ada gak yg aku tampal je kat dinding bilik.

Tak pun…aku angkut kertas A4 banyak-banyak…tulis bende tah pape, lipat jadik paperplane pastu baling.

Yg kutip pepagi besok, makcik sapu sampah. Kesian dia…sori la mkcik! Teruk kan aku?

Penah satu hari, bru je aku nak panjat ampaian, tetiba aku dengar suara org jerit

“eh, jgn terjun”

hotak lu, ak bkn nak terjun la. Nak lepak je. Yg paling best, yang mana kluar pegi tandas or nak iron baju for sure takut2 nak pandang aku…bajet aku hantu maybe. Or sumone yg ad history PSY. Huu..

Kwn2 aku lak…ada yg marah (sbb risiko ntuk jatuh tu tinggi)…ada yg tumpang skaki (tapi tak panjat la, lpak tengok sketching aku je)..ada yg pandang je dari seberang blok…ada yg suka nak lambai2…adeh…lawak ada.

Annoying pun ada!

Bila dah masuk u nih…aku dah takleh buat aktiviti2 nih.

Aku carik gak memana rooftop yg ak bleh buat port lepak. Tapi tak jumpa. Kat apartment pun, rooftop kat pool tutup pkul 10 mlm. Kat hospital lak, lagi la takde.

Bukan tak suka lepak tempat rendah2 nih…it just, banyak sangat lak nnt makhluk2 Tuhan yg lalu lalang n sibuk nak tanya itu ini. Kat ampaian dlu, kalo org nak tanya pun, niat tuh cancelled, sbb takut tengok condition aku yang psiko tu.

Aku rindu sgt dgn ampaian blok aku..

Ampaian besi yg tak penah complain or tanya apa masalah aku.

Ampaian besi yg setia je kukuh kat situ, ampung aku sampai 2,3 pagi, until prasaan aku yg serabut jadik kosong balik, masuk bilik n tidur.

Ampaian besi yg tak penah judge aku.

Ampaian besi, I miss u.

.sugarGLIDER.

just if..

u were a sugar glider, that can stick to my window..

u'll know, how my days are rite now.
u'll know how many times i cry for you.
u'll know how much i regret the very first day i let my guards down.
u'll know how many times i cursed myself for falling for you.
u'll know how much i miss u.
u'll know how many times i asked myself to let this go.
u'll know how many times i listen to the song "Tolong Aku- Hujan'.
u'll know how many times i accidentally wrote ur name on my notes.

but sadly..

u'r not a sugar glider.
u'r just u..
and u wont know....

homecoming?

pheuww...da lma gle ak tak lepak kat blogger niyh...i used to spill everything yg ak fikir kat sni...tp coz matrix life was killing me before..ak da tak bnyk nk spill pape...now...da ad kat umah,bleh la nk merapu kerapu balik kat blog ak..heheheeh....d feeling of coming home was just great!

cursed???

...what are the best words i could say?
i'm cursed!
no way..yeah way...
ak da hilang daya ntuk feel...
ak totally cam da sedar yg ak dah bnyk gle lost past memories pasl everything..
pasal kwn2 ak...pasal life ak dulu...
hr tuh ak putuskan friendship ak ngan sumone..still bende tuh tak effect pe pown pada ak..
pesal ngan ak neh...
da hlang rasa nak sedeyh..rasa nak suka ke..syg org ke..
pe jadik neh..
waargh!!!!!!
i'm dead!
i'm heartless...
huuuu
someone..help...S.O.S!!

what the f***??!!!!

i'm pissed off..somehow...
i don't know what i did wrong coz everyone's acting weird, damn weird like now!
i got stuck with my own thoughts and it feels like hell.
try to resist but i realize that i'm totally stuck!
more to say?
nop!
shit.

thnX sOfia...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no

Once again
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no

Once again
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Dear enemy…

I’m sorry coz I lied to you…
Was it really hurt to find the truth?
It was hurt for me anyway in the past…
I know there’s no chance left for me when you said
“I hate liars!”
I’m sorry coz u found me…
I’m sorry coz you were a friend of a liar…
I don’t have the right words to say just now…
I just don’t know how to convey my feelings…
I do hate liars…but unfortunately... I turn myself into a liar as well...
I was a fake…again…I’m sorry!
When I said a thousand words to you…just ten of them were lies…
But they were still lies, right?

When I said…

“I’m gonna miss you dude!”

That was not a lie.

When I said…

“I hope you’ll get a bright future and I pray for you”

That was not a lie.

When I said…

“You’re one on my favorite enemy…the one and the only”

That was not a lie.

When I said…

“I’m gonna support you in everything you do”

That was not a lie.

When I said…

“I love the friendship between you and me”

That was not a lie.

But sometimes…

When I said…

“Dude, I’m okay”

It was a lie. And you didn’t realize it.

When I said…

“Yeah, I’m sure everything will be fine on my way!”

It was a lie. And you didn’t know it.

When I said…

“I’m in the pink of health lah!”

That was a lie. And you didn’t notice it.

Why?

Because I lied to you.

Why?

Because I was a fake.

Why?

Because I’ve got my own reason when I said that…

And…

You were not the one to be blamed!

A liar should be blamed. And the liar was me!

Dude…I’m SORRY!

[momo-knockthedoor] to say sorry…at April 28, 2009…and she’s not lying!

thE LoSt mEmOry!

Ayah kepada abah aku…which is Tok Wan aku… da lama meninggal. Mak aku cite, Tok Wan aku selalu ckp..dia taknak mati lagi selagi dia tak tengok satu-satunya menantu perempuan dia…mak aku la menantu perempuan tuh sebab ayah aku is the only son dlm family dia…

Mak aku ckp Tok Wan aku nih baik sgt…sporting abes…dia selalu manjakan mak aku…layan makan nasi ngan dia..bagi duit kalau mak aku nak gi jalan-jalan…

Ayah aku selalu ckp…kalo Tok Wan hidup lagi..dia mesti sayang gile kat aku…dan aku selalu harap kalo la Tok Wan hidup lagi..mesti best kan?

Time aku kecik sampai ar skang…ada memori dalam fikiran aku pasal Tok Wan…aku selalu teringat yang Tok Wan selalu boncengkan aku naik basikal tua dia jalan-jalan keliling kampung…bestnya waktu tuh…

One day nih..bila aku dah besar, time mak ngan ayah aku sembang2 pasal family dan ada sebut pasal Tok Wan, aku pown cakap la…yang Tok Wan dulu selalu bawak aku naik basikal tua dia keliling kampung kan?

Tapi…
Nak tahu pe yang mak ngan ayah aku cakap?

Memang betul Tok Wan ada basikal tua dan dia memang baik sangat…
Tapi dia mana sempat tengok aku...sebab pertemuan first die ngan mak aku tu la pertemuan diorang yang terakhir...lepas je Tok Wan tengok mak...dia pown meninggal...

Abis…
Memory yang ada dalam kepala aku pasal Tok Wan selalu bawak aku naik basikal tua dia tuh, apa?

Hahaahaha~
Aku ngan Tok Wan maybe tak ditakdirkan ntuk jumpa pada kelahiran nih kot…tapi kat syurga nnt..mesti jumpa!

Dan aku tahu...
Even Tok Wan tak pernah jumpa aku...dia mesti akan sayang aku jugak macam apa yang ayah aku ckp...

Tu sebab...
Dia still datang dalam memori aku...
Dan bawak aku naik basikal tua die keliling kampung!

Tok Wan…
Terima kasih ntuk memori yang hilang tu…
Mimi sayang Tok Wan!

[momo-knockthedoor] at Sunday, April 5, 2009